Last year when I thought about my life at the end of 2010 I came to the sad and frightening conclusion that to accomplish my goals (to be happy) something was going to have to change in my marriage. At the time I didn’t know it would actually come to an end. I had an inkling, but I didn’t know it would actually happen within the year. I also had no idea that a new love would fill my heart so quickly. So many things that happened during the year were driven by my goals, yet many things happened unplanned. Sometimes the unplanned things are the sweetest. Even though I am goal driven, I recognize that you cannot plan everything. Life has unexpected twists and turns and you have to accept those and smile about them.

Like most people who are single, I have the desire for a relationship. As I step back and look at the road ahead, I realize that how I have lived in the past probably will not be the same in the future. Instead of searching for someone to make me happy, I am looking to make myself happy. I really just want a companion to share life’s trials and tribulations with. I hear a lot about the ‘last call’ of the day to share ups and downs with. I realize that ‘last call’ can be with a friend, family member or a romantic interest. It doesn’t really matter which one. All three make me happy. The big realization from last year was that I have spent most of my life trying to make other people happy – but now it is my turn to make myself happy. Sort of a departure from my previous view of life. Everyone I know seems to be looking for ‘someone to make them happy’ or ‘someone to love’ or ‘someone to marry and have children with’. As I look at life from a new perspective, I am awed at the way I incorrectly viewed life before. Is it a result of a divorce or simply reaching a certain age that makes you see things this way. I seem to be looking at how to enjoy the 2nd half of my life instead of like the first half which was spent accomplishing things (careers, love, marriage, children). Now that I see life is so short, instead of accomplishments, I want happiness. I choose life over things. I choose relationships with people over money and success.

The quote on the necklace I wear around my neck is,”To live one must have sunshine, freedom and love”. I found this necklace in the oddest of places. I was passing through Denver airport during a layover and stopped in a jewelry shop. The necklace called to me. The necklace has a picture of a sunflower (reminiscent of my favorite flower, the black-eyed Susan) and on the back was the quote. As soon as I saw the quote, I knew the necklace was destined to be mine. Rarely do I have these ‘aha’ moments, but I felt it right then. The necklace (and quote) would carry me into the new year and beyond as I identified how I was going to accomplish happiness in the next year.

Not to say that the last year was not filled with happy moments, happy times, a love I will never forget as well as emotions of sadness, regret, and fear. To have emotions is to live – regardless of the type of emotion. I guess for the next year, I don’t want just emotion, I want happiness. As if my life depended on happiness. In reality, life does depend on happiness and my road to happiness will be paved by my goals. I don’t know why this necklace found me. Sometimes strange things like that happen to me. Like when you desire a solution to a problem and the solution appears at the exact time and place you need it. Funny how that this happens to me with people also. Strategically placed in the space-time continuum forever changing the course of my life – just when I need them.

For next year I have a vision of what I want. It is just a question of when and how the universe will give that to me (or how I will go and grab it!). I don’t know if I believe in divine intervention, but there seems to be some sort of intervention happening in my life these days. Maybe it is my positive thinking. Maybe it is good karma. Maybe it is just chance and luck that I see as something bigger than me. One thing I do know is that inspiration comes in strange forms, and this one happened to be a simple quote on the back of a $29 necklace. What will inspire you this year and help you reach your goals in 2012?

We sat, talked and sipped and I finally began to relax. A tough week of work, taking care of the kids, and soccer practices made the work of tasting wine seem easy. As the wine took effect, I was smiling and happy. I realized I had been smiling and happy a lot more lately. Why had it taken me so long to get here? Not to the winery, but here, the state of happiness and relaxation? Over the last few months I had started to see life’s possibilities instead of obligations. Had I turned a corner in my life where blue skies and green grass were ahead? Maybe I am still in the post-divorce tornado but the swirling around me is settling and the clouds are clearing.

I took another sip of wine and I wonder how much I would need to taste before I knew if I wanted more. How many wines did I need to taste? Eventually will they all seem the same? If I drink too much will I be sick? I know I have made the mistake before of downing a whole bottle with horrible results. For now I am going to lean back in my chair, soak in the rays of the sun and enjoy each taste one sip at a time. With wine and life there is no need to rush, they both get better with age.

During my first lesson on Saturday I realized I remembered very little Lindy Hop. I gave it my best effort and was able to pick up most of the steps pretty easily. I soon discovered as I rotated around the room with different dance partners, that every man would lead differently. The idea of letting a man lead me in anything was a foreign concept to me. I lead projects by day and children by night. Would I ever be able to let a man lead on the dance floor? Although it was hard to let a man lead me, I saw that is was necessary. Particularly if I didn’t want to fall on the floor or crash into my dance partner. I suddenly discovered that there was a parallel between my dancing and relationship failures. It was caused by my inability to let someone else lead. To let a man be a man.

After 4 hours of swing dancing, I got the message. I understood. I saw improvement over the day as I relinquished control and let someone else lead. I stopped anticipating the next move. I was just dancing, living and smiling. Dancing became a metaphor for how I needed to approach relationships, but it took a day of dancing for me to understand it. Talk about drilling in a message!

I decided that after today I was going to stop guiding, pushing or anticipating and just enjoy relationships the same way I danced. A man likes to lead so he can feel like he is in control. A woman will enjoy it a lot more if the man leads. Why? Because sometimes he is waiting to lead you in a really great move, but you missed the cue because you were too busy worrying about what was next. So close your eyes, follow the lead and enjoy it for as long as it lasts.

As I continued driving ahead slowly and cautiously, I wondered if the person born today could navigate the road ahead. There is a lot to learn. A lot of changes and no shortage of confusion. In love and life, I know I am not the best. I am not the smartest, prettiest or even the nicest. I see myself as Neapolitan ice cream – a nice combination but certainly not perfect in any way and sometimes the flavors get mixed up a bit. It seems that the visor is not blocking enough of the sun for me to see. Even if I can’t completely see the road ahead, it looks promising. Are there corners and roadblocks ahead? Sure, but at least I have Neapolitan ice cream to offer, which on a hot September day isn’t such a bad thing.

As I entered the kitchen, the guilty party hid his face with his elbow and put his head down on the counter. I approached the sink and noticed something strange. There are no dirty dishes. Where did the dirty dishes go? For a moment I wondered if they have been thrown in the trash can. Then I heard a giggle from underneath the elbow.

“You put the dishes in the dishwasher, didn’t you?” I state matter-of-factly. Tucker lifts his face which now shows a wide grin with every tooth on display. At first he had been acting as if I was going to be angry about him about loading the dishwasher, now he seemed to think it was funny. He was playing a prank, only it seemed that I was getting all the laughs (or at least the rest). What single mom doesn’t appreciate a day of not having to clean up the dishes?

I told Tucker I really appreciated what he had done. Although on the inside I was wondering what he was going to ask in return for completing this ‘chore’. Another DS game? $10 to spend at Target, or merely a hug? There is no way of knowing what goes on in the brain of an 8-year old. For now I am just going to accept this generous gift of help around the house. With his pre-teen years just around the corner, it won’t be long before getting him to take out the trash will cost me $50.

IM at work can be your best friend or your worst enemy. When you need a quick piece of information, you just look for the little green dot next to the name of the person you are looking for, and voila – you can see if the person you need to contact is accessible or not. Maybe. Is the dot always accurate? Why is it green but the person isn’t responding to my question? Am I not on their priority list? Where are they? Why aren’t they answering me? So maybe e-mail is a better choice because you just assume it will take a while for them to get back to you, instead of an instant response. Remember when getting a response via e-mail was considered quick compared to a fax or letter? Does anyone even use a letter any more?

Then there is communication in the world of dating. “I texted him 2 hours ago and haven’t heard back,” a friend declares. Worse yet is the IM. You send your “hi” into the ether and then wonder why they didn’t respond. Is the green dot innacurate? Maybe they are out with another man? or woman? Do they have another lover? The mind could make you crazy with this scenario. The question is, why don’t we just pick up the phone and call? It clarifies a lot of communication issues. Why? There is something about the tone of a voice – the inflection. It gives you more of the message than just the words. Amazing that the ear really is detecting so much more than consonants and vowels – it conveys a feeling. A colleague told me a long time ago to smile when I am talking on the phone because the person on the other end of call could hear my smile. What? Hear a smile? Strange yet true.

Time for me to smile and call, text or e-mail someone. Since I have the ability to communicate I feel like I should. Sometimes silence is acceptable too. Imagine being alone with your thoughts for five minutes, or call to tell someone about it.

A few days later I decided to test the mirror to see how my shoes looked with my dress. As I looked into the mirror, I did not have to ask,”Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all.” I knew it was not me. I was supposed to be looking at my shoes, but I couldn’t take my eyes off something else. It was my width! Why did I suddenly look so…large? Had I gained weight in the last few days? Why did my cheeks look so fat? Something was not right. I could feel it. I walked into the other room and looked in the bathroom mirror. As I suspected, I looked thinner. To me it was actually ‘normal’. Strange.

I returned to the full-length mirror. Yup, just as I thought, I looked 20 or 40 pounds heavier. This was worse than being on television! I had the misfortune of having installed what I can only refer to as a ‘fun house mirror’. It was like the mirrors they have at the amusement park where you look at yourself and you look really tall or really wide? I now have a fun-house mirror to look at myself every day!

As I dress for an evening out, I can only use the mirror to verify my clothes and shoes match because how I ‘look’ cannot be taken seriously. The mirror is definitely more ‘fun’, than functional, but better to label the mirror ‘fun’ than to be hung up on the way the mirror made me look. Life isn’t supposed to be about how we look on the outside, but how we feel on the inside. I guess as long as my shoes match my dress, I am satisfied with how I look no matter what mirror I am looking in.

Sometimes the goals are small and sometimes they are big. Sometimes they are realistic and sometimes they are lofty or a bit outlandish, such as,”Marry Josh Groban“. The thing is, if we never have high goals, how will we really accomplish great things? Accomplishment is about vision. Focus on your vision and things just seem to happen. Even if you fall short of your vision, you have accomplished something.You have moved ahead from where your feet were originally planted. Wouldn’t you like to eliminate the moss from under your feet? Go somewhere or do something?

As I looked over my goals, they seemed somehow wimpy. I realize it isn’t a competition, it is all individual. However, I seem to be missing my “Josh Groban”. In other words, what represents the pinnacle of everything I want to achieve? I realize now that I really have no idea. I thought I knew – I wanted to write romance novels. Now I wonder if that is the right path or maybe there is something else where I could better utilize my talents. So I am left to contemplate my visionary goal until the next month’s meeting. My self-analysis of my goals made me realize, we all need a Josh Groban.

What is your Josh Groban?

I have no trouble jumping back on the horse that threw me – the horse known as Relationship. Sometimes I wonder why I want to be on the horse to begin with. As I stand in the mirror reflecting at this newly single person, I reflect on the question, “What is a relationship failure?” Is it being married for 50 years but not happy? Is it never getting married because no one was good enough? Or is it marrying a person you thought was great, but broke-up with at some point down the road?

In my case I married. Sadly I reached a point where I could not longer make the people around me, or myself happy in the situation. This leaves me wondering if ending an unhealthy relationship is really a success rather than a failure? At least I know what makes me happy or unhappy. Does it make sense to keep going down a path where you know you can never achieve the life you want?

If people waited until they were 100% sure to do something, then we would all be dead. Why? Because we would be afraid that food was not safe to eat, that we might injure ourselves getting out of bed in the morning, or kissing a child will contaminate us with germs making us sick. Perfection and the existence of life (including relationships) do not align. When you say ‘people’, you are really saying ‘imperfection’. Sometimes it is the imperfections that we love most about people. Doesn’t it give them character?

Would you rather live and experience life with all its flaws, or sit on the sidelines doing only what you can do perfectly? The problem in life is the moving pieces. In the puzzle of life, the pieces are constantly shifting and changing shape. To me it is better to take a chance and gain experiences – love, hurt, anger, loss and maybe ‘fail miserably’ in the eyes of the judgmental. It is better than being paralyzed by perfection. My life is filled with great memories and I will not wonder “what if”, because although I don’t have a perfect life to show for it, I have lived. There is a saying that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. In my case it feels better to have lived and been imperfect than to have never lived at all. Which life would you choose?

In the distance nestled between the buildings, the American flag is fluttering in the wind. Like the birds, the flag does not need special surroundings, just a place to live. Isn’t that what we all need? A place to live. A place to exist. A place to feel safe. A place to breathe in and out. A place with everything we need to get us to that next moment. It may be a moment of joy or sadness, but a moment nonetheless. We should be thankful for being alive, shouldn’t we? Thankful for being given this moment of existence and everything leading up to it. Just like the flag or the bird – it is just a place like any other, yet somehow a home.

Birds adapt to their surroundings, as do people. It doesn’t really matter where you live – just ‘that’ you live. At times in the city I find myself unable to sleep because of the number of sounds I am unaccustomed to hearing. Sometimes I like the sounds because it is comforting – I realize I am not alone. I look around and see an array of empty balconies in the adjacent building. There must be people somewhere? For the moment I am feeling alone even though I am surrounded by sleeping people. I am awake. Alive. Breathing. Living. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Why am I here alone at 6:20 AM on a balcony observing the city while everyone else sleeps? Somehow I have found myself in a place called home.